Before we get started, you need to know that the person you fall in love with will bear absolutely no resemblance to the person you were planning to fall in love with. They will live an hour away from where you live, minimum. He will be wearing a shiny suit and, possibly, a brown shirt. And he’ll have the sort of baggage that requires its own baggage handler. This much you can guarantee.
Because one of the reasons you are single (and this is the only one that is strictly your fault) is that you have written off every kind of person who might conceivably cross your path. You have built a fortress out of your preconditions and you are glowering down from the battlements. Men do approach from time to time, but then they see the vats of boiling oil teetering on the ramparts and think better of it. If you are a man, you do come across women from time to time who could be good enough but they are never "quite" it.
As far as you are concerned, this fortress is a normal precaution for vetting prospectives, and so it was, initially. Then time passed, you settled into a routine and now you are king or queen of the You Won’t Get Past Me checklist.
As it happens, I met the one quite by chance as someone asking me out tried to impress by enlisting the help of an aquaintance (now the one) who could help with a very tasking career project, considering the circumstances I was pleased to meet him but I ran his details through the List database and, in 0.2 seconds, it came up with a You Cannot Be Serious rating. Of course it did! The One tall(tall guys never like me ask my friends). He lived in a dinghy squat of a place(uh-oh). I think he had a savage punk haircut, and very slim, no, make that skinny. So, at that first meeting, I summoned the List and the List gave me permission to do absolutely nothing. In fact when he asked me what my plans were in life in general I blurted out that I was going to marry my ex in about 6 months. Talk about slamming the door shut.
This List, let’s be clear, is not made up of sensible broad guidelines such as must live on same continent; it is extremely specific. Here are some edited highlights from my List, and I’m not making a word of it up:
- Must have nice clothes, make that cool clothes. (Don't ask what I was wearing)
- Must have car. (Like the pool isn’t small enough as it is, I was tired of hoping on busses with my exes though).
- Must not wear scruffy jeans and by that I mean jeans with a non uniform color or any rip-....stone washed?, no way.
- Must not wear short-sleeved shirts.
- Must not wear jewellery.
- Must not have any long fingernails (at all, close cropped without any hint preferrably)actually I make no apologies for this one. I still absolutely stand by it, his were always nicely cropped and to be honest we would have never made it if it were otherwise.
- Must have a good job, but not one that requires him to spend all hours of the day on it.
- Must not wear hoodies . Hoodies are for boys.
-Must not sing flat. (If there is a flat-singing contest my OH would win hands down).
- Should play sports and read newspapers or at the very least be conversant with the goings on in the world. I make no apologies for this either.
This List is more appropriate for an 18-year-old. Right now, and without any further ado, you need to abandon "the List", if you've got one. Come on, there is nothing on your List that is genuinely non-negotiable. So you hate goatees, get him to shave it off. So you’re allergic to three-quarter-length trousers. Tell him. Liberate yourself. Start over. Not your type? Right, and that’s been such a success for you to date.
After much deliberation, these are the only up-front non-negotiables
- Must be kind. If you have heard him be vile about anyone, seen him be cruel to animals, children or boring hostesses, then this man is not kind.
-One for the ladies, Must like women. You think this goes without saying. Of course every man you’ve ever been out with has loved women. But are you absolutely sure? Did they like it if you contradicted them in public?
- Must adore you.
- Must be smarter than you, or at least as smart. Smarter, probably, or you will keep looking for that Achilles heel.
- another for the ladies, Must have bigger feet than you. Obviously. And must be hairier. (okay I'm kind of joking here but seriously..why not?
- Must be able to make you laugh in all situations, including when you get to the airport and discover they have no passport.
- You must fancy them unconditionally.
If you cannot put a tick next to all of the above, then I would seriously consider calling it off right now.
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