Most people mention being faithful as one of the top three essentials in a successful relationship. But the fact is, people cheat.
Why affairs happen
There are as many reasons why people have affairs as there are people. But usually an affair is an external sign of an internal desire for change. Something in the person's life or the relationship isn't OK - and the affair creates the trigger for change.
Affairs aren't only about sex. In fact, relationship experts maintain that any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a partner constitutes an affair.
Is your relationship at risk?
Here are some common causes of affairs
Relationship problems - if you're unhappy in your relationship you'll be more tempted to look elsewhere.
Boredom - if you're bored with your life, an affair may seem like an adventure.
Low self-esteem - you may need reassurance that you're attractive and loveable.
Types of affairs
Although there are many reasons for affairs, most fall into one of four categories:
The boat-rocking affair - when one partner has an underlying dissatisfaction with the relationship. The affair is an unconscious way of drawing attention to the problem and bringing things into the open.
The exit affair - when an affair is used to get out of a relationship. Rather than confront the fact that a relationship isn't working, an affair forces the issue.
The thrill affair - the illicit nature of an affair brings with it an adrenaline rush. Add to that the excitement of sex with someone new and the romantic trimmings of a fresh relationship, and it can seem irresistible.
The three's company affair - can go on for years; it can also describe a string of successive affairs. Some people find it difficult to commit to one person; they feel stifled by monogamy and fear putting all their emotional eggs in one basket. Having a third person on the scene can provide an outlet for difficult emotions.
Tips to help avoid affairs
Be open - honesty is the key to avoiding affairs. Share any temptations with your partner and agree to support each other.
Be close - build and maintain emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship. The closer you are, the stronger you are.
Be smart - don't slip into complacency: everyone is vulnerable to temptation.
Be alert - if you find yourself feeling attracted to someone, take action to avoid getting any closer.
Behave - if you'd describe yourself as a natural flirt, remember: if you don't want to get burned, don't play with fire.
When affairs are discovered
Whether the discovery of an affair is gradual or sudden, shock is the first emotion you're likely to experience.
When the shock wears off, you may be left with feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and perhaps embarrassment, especially if you were the one being unfaithful.
Most people find themselves wondering how this could have happened and questioning whether there can be any future for their relationship.
Surviving the affair
Trust is essential for a healthy relationship, and it's something we often take for granted until it's gone. If you're the one that's had the affair, you'll need to work hard at reassuring your partner that it's them you truly love and that you've learnt from your mistake.
If you're the one who's been cheated, you may find yourself asking questions for a long time. But as time passes, you'll find yourself feeling more secure and confident about your relationship.
Trust only takes a moment to break, but much, much longer to rebuild. At first it may feel that your relationship will never recover, but with hard work and patience it may survive. An affair always signals a turning point in a relationship - but it doesn't always signal the end.
Loyalty and faithfulness may sound like mundane, old fashioned concepts but research shows they are vital to emotional and physical health. Married people live longer, more productive, healthier and happier lives especially if their marriages are happy and monogamous.
People who are married and faithful in their relationship are at a huge advantage. Being in a good faithful relationship confers huge benefits on people.
A modern malaise: treating people as objects
In our throwaway society attitudes to material goods can filter through to how we view and act in relationships.
The thought that "this will do until something better/more exiting/younger comes along" is to treat a partner like a material object. Having your cake and eating it can be bad for everyone.
Instant excitement can make you and others unhappy in the long term
Paradoxically, seeking excitement through unfaithfulness as an attempt at securing happiness usually does just the opposite.
Having an affair may be symptomatic of wider problems within a marriage or relationship and may signal the end.
But if it's an addictive pattern and happens frequently even when everything is ok within the main relationship then it is even more destructive.
The grass always seems greener
Of course the grass is always greener on the other side (or at least so it seems) but to be constantly unfaithful to someone is to treat them with small regard and respect. Part of the addictive cycle of being unfaithful can be the 'buzz' of 'leading a double life', of the deceit, of the fact of 'having a secret.'
SDome confuse excitement with happiness. This is like mixing up the buzz you get from too much sugar with the long term benefits and nutrition and health you get from reliable regular and satisfying food.
How to resist the temptation to be unfaithful;
Agree upon trusting one another. Once you have taken your vows, believe that overt possessiveness is no longer a "cute" trait that your spouse appreciates - you have both taken vows to be faithful. Now it's time to believe in one another and trust your partner. Suspicion, and doubt don't cause a spouse to cheat, but if one spouse exhibits high degrees of any of these, it spells trouble for the relationship.Set reasonable boundaries and stay within them - this fosters trust, and the longer you each stay within the boundaries you have agreed on, the more "trust" you will build as time goes on.
Accept the fact that you are no longer single. No, you may not come and go as you please, no matter how much that may rankle. You have a responsibility to your spouse or partner now, and the sooner you accept it, the fewer fights and arguments you'll have. Acting as if you are free and accountable to no one will pretty much ensure that you will be again - soon. Instead, in keeping with the previous step, set some boundaries and abide by them. Examples:
When you go your separate ways for the day, agree when you will meet back at home, or wherever. If you agree upon 6pm, then be there at that time. If you realize you will be late, call as soon as you know - definitely do not leave your spouse wondering for more than 30 minutes - it worries him or her needlessly.
If it rubs you the wrong way to specify a time at which you will come home, you must remember this helps your spouse to keep the trust she or he may have in you.
Understand that your spouse is not attempting to put you on a leash. It's simply a matter of wanting to know when to begin worrying, and where to put the cops on the trail should you not arrive home when expected. If you didn't want to be cared about or be responsible to someone else, you should not have gotten married.
Don't stir up trouble where there isn't any. Doing things to see how your spouse will react is a bad idea. The problem is that it creates a climate of anxiety and turbulence, and it's controlling and manipulative. Don't pick fights just to see what s/he'll say or do.
Avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing. If you meet someone who comes on to you, don't panic, show no interest, tell them you're not interested, you're very happy and content with your wife/husband, he/she fills all your needs. Don't get yourself into any situation where even a whiff of adultery is near. Don't be alone with this person, and don't go out of your way to see him or her.
Take your spouse with you. If you know you'll be in a situation where you can't avoid this person, take your spouse along. Knowing your partner is watching will keep you in line, and hopefully will deter any questionable acts on the part of the other person.
Tell the other person you are not interested, period. Don't give a half-hearted, "Gee, I'm really attracted to you, but I'm married." This sends a wrong message - it says, "If only my stupid wife/husband weren't in the way, then you and I could hook up." Any sleaze who knows you're married and persists in coming on to you will not hesitate to run over your spouse if s/he thinks you're at all interested. Watch "Gone With the Wind" to see a perfect example of how a wishy-washy attempt to let a girl down easy ends up wasting years of her life. What matters is that you are married, and your commitment is to your partner or spouse. Put your foot down hard and walk away, leaving no room for doubt or hope.
Leave the situation. It doesn't matter whether it's a job or a circle of friends. If you've tried your best to put the kibosh on this person's interest in you, and worse yet, if you return those feelings, you have to leave the situation immediately. Either request a transfer, request that the other person be transferred. Because it's endangering your marriage. Don't go moan and complain - remember, your goal is that 40th wedding anniversary, and beyond. No job, no chick or dude, no amount of ego boosting is worth destroying your chance at that.
Married? Wear your wedding ring at all times. You should never take it off no matter what,even if on your job they tell you to they can't force you to if you tell them it's against you religion(thats the law) This sends a clear signal to others (and reminds you) that you're "taken" and most people will know better than to trespass. But if they fail to heed the sign, show it to them and be sure they know it means you really are married and are not interested in flirting. At all.If they should persue you anyway that should tell you there not good to be around and all they are looking for is to break up your marriage, and they won't stay with you after anyway.
You may both see people who arouse your interest, in sexual ways. You may meet people who are attractive to you that you are tempted to just try one little kiss.
Don't fool yourself. One kiss leads to another, and before you know it, you're headed for divorce court or splitsville. You have an obligation to remove yourself from those situations when you can no longer control your - or their - responses to it. Remember 5 minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of happiness especially when you can achieve the same thing with your spouse.
Watch the company you keep;
I guess this says it all really, if you surround yourself with friends who see nothing wrong with having flings. You will not only encourage suspicion, Birds of the same feather and all that, but you could begin to entertain the idea.
Don't put doubt in your spouses mind,that leads to insecured feelings and means trouble for you marriage. Remember your actions tells everything.Don't forget your spouse sees and notices if you stare at other women/men.
Don't get angry if you realize that someone else finds your spouse attractive. Take pleasure in the fact that she/he's coming home with you - not her/or him.
Remember that your behavior early on will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. If you set a tone of faith, trust and belief in one another, and give each other a real sense that your relationship is solid and unshakable, it will be a great comfort to you and help you through difficult times. If you prove yourself worthy of his/her trust today, in ten years when someone accuses you of something, she'll dismiss it, knowing that you would never betray her because of your history together.
On the other hand if you do things, or have done things,that you should not have done,you can't expect your spouse to trust you totally, cause you have put doubt in his/her mind and that has made him/her insecure.That means trouble in your marriage. The only way to correct that is to do everything you csn in your powers (meaning your actions) to show her that he/she can trust you.
If you have ever cheated or have commited any type of infidelity, you must find it in your heart to tell your spouse, or your marriage will end up in a divorce. It's better to take a chance and tell him/her (if he/she truely loves you, you will be able to work it out).That way if you truely love your spouse and want to spent the rest of your life with him/her you can wipe the slate clean try for a new beginning, chances are it will be better than its ever been for you and for him/her.You won't be carring that burden of your mistake anymore and your spouse will love you more for confiding in her trust enough to tell him/her about your mistake.
Warnings
Suspicion will undermine and destroy faith and trust. Avoid them. The best way to avoid them is to avoid getting into situations that create them.
Don't give into infidelity,most men/women who come onto you are unhappy and can't be faithful to one person, so they can't stand to see someone else happy and faithful.
The bottom line: Drama does not serve marriage well. Every time you stir up trouble with your spouse, you're creating a Trouble Marriage. When what's in the Trouble Marriage adds up to more than what's in the Trust and Respect Marriage, your marriage is not worth sh*t.
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