Age gap relationships: Good or bad?

Older men dating younger women is certainly nothing new, particularly in the celebrity world.

There is 12 years between Jay-Z and Beyonce, and a staggering 25 years between Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones.

Official statistics show that generally, women in the UK marry men older than themselves, and in 2000 the average age gap was just over two years.

But it is the bigger age gaps which cause the stir.

Cassie Massey is often mistaken for Darren Smith's daughter.

She is 19, while he is a 40 year-old divorced father of two. They have been together for two years and have plans to marry.

Darren was her manager and the pair, who live in Southend, simply hit it off.

"When you just get on with someone it doesn't matter about the age gap," said Darren.

Generation gentlemen

Cassie said they have all the normal relationship worries and nothing specific to their ages.

"He is more grounded, more secure in himself," she said.

"I think he is more of a gentleman. I don't think you find many gentlemen in my generation."

"The biggest pitfall in an age gap relationship is the jealousy and insecurity that often occurs"

Paula Hall, relationship expert

Cassie said they met at a troubled time - she had quit sixth form college and Darren's father had just died - and they "saved each other".

Cassie will soon be heading off to university but they have concerns.

"It is going to be difficult because we are both quite insecure, jealous and possessive," she said. "Those are flaws we both have but we are going to have to deal with it."

The couple agree that their age difference does attract attention but they try not to react to it because it "sends the message that it is wrong".

"It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks," said Darren. "It is not their relationship."

Paula Hall is a relationship psychotherapist and she says there are pros and cons to age gap relationships
Older partners have more life experiences which the younger partner can learn from, she said, while the younger partner can bring a new outlook.

She said women mature faster and are often fascinated by the "wonderful trappings" of older men, such as a car and money.

Younger men often get kudos from dating older women, she said, whereby they are seen to satisfy all their needs.

But she warned age gap relationships often do not work in the long term."What we often see in the celebrity area is that they're short-term romances, they work for a while but then they move on," she said.

"The biggest pitfall in an age gap relationship is the jealousy and insecurity that often occurs."

She added that while we are used to seeing older men with younger women, the reverse is "still a little bit new".

'Toyboy lover'

Demi Moore's relationship with Ashton Kutcher, who is 15 years her junior, certainly made the headlines.

Closer to home, Phats & Small singer Ben Ofoedu has been dating TV and radio presenter Vanessa Feltz for two years. He is 10 years younger than her and he says the "toyboy" label undermines their relationship.


Ben Ofoedu says older women know what they want

"I don't think the age gap has caused us any particular problems," he said.

"It's not nice for Vanessa to read her 'toyboy lover'. When you say toyboy it immediately means it is not a real relationship, just a fling."

He said being with Vanessa has changed him for the better.

"I think with a woman who's a little bit older, she knows what she wants," he said.

"There is more of a direction. And men are quite simple, we just like to know we are going left, then we're going right, then left again."

Paula Hall said there has to be more to the relationship than the "number of years they have been on this planet".

"If you have lots in common, you really click, really get on, you can chat open and honestly, then to hell with age gap."

Her top tip is to talk and acknowledge the age gap. Cassie agrees.

"Don't be afraid to talk to each other about how you feel even if it might bring up the age," she said.

"Ignore everyone else and if you have found what you are looking for, then go for it because there is nothing better."

Age isn't always an issue in relationships, and many couples span the generations without any significant problems. But there's no denying that it is a factor when you're younger.

Why? Because you're less experienced at dating by default, and the strong emotions that go with it can be hard to handle. At the end of the day, you have to ask whether you might be better off learning from your mistakes with someone closer to your age.
The attraction factor
Ask yourself what draws you to this person, and be sure that age is not a factor. Sure, an older date can seem more mature and sophisticated than people your own age, but are you really going to have that much in common? It's good to have different interests, as it helps a relationship to breathe, but if it's just about having a trophy date then chances are it won't last long.
Potentially creepy factor
As well as asking what you see in someone so much older, ask what that person sees in you. What's more, why aren't they dating someone their own age?
Your friends
Chances are your mates will have an opinion about whether you should be going out with someone so much older. Your instinct might be to ignore any doubts they cast, but it's good to hear them out rather than just go with your instinct. They'll have your best interests at heart, after all, plus they're not so close to the issue as you.
Your family
If you're still living at home, and planning on dating someone old enough to be your mum or dad, then you should consult your folks. If you're living under their roof then you can't expect them to turn a blind eye to the situation. If you're keen to make the relationship work, then why not invite your date to meet them - that way they can see this person is genuine about you, and not someone who simply 'likes their bananas green'

Dating a younger man?
While relationships involving older men and younger women have existed for generations, the phenomenon of older women dating younger men is becoming increasingly popular. It has been a longstanding tradition for successful businessmen to woo much younger women but as women are becoming more and more successful in the business world, they too are beginning to enter into relationships with much younger men. Whether they view it is a sign of stature to be able to attract a much younger man or whether they simply find themselves more compatible with younger men there is an increasing trend of older women becoming involved in relationships with younger men. Although, these situations can work out quite nicely there are some factors to consider. When dating a younger man, the women should consider the maturity level of her partner, the intentions of her partner and the opinions of others.

The question of maturity is often linked to the situation where an older woman is dating a younger man. Women are usually perceived as being more mature than their male counterparts of equal age so it stands to reason that a younger man would likely be significantly less mature than the older woman. Depending on the ages involved though this may not be critical. While a man in his twenties or even thirties may still have quite a bit of maturing left to do a man in his fifties may not have this issue to deal with. For this reason, it is not only the age difference but also the current ages of the partners that factors into the equation. A twenty year age gap may not be significant in terms of maturity levels when the man is fifty and the woman is seventy but a twenty year age gap where the woman is forty and the man is twenty may cause significant problems. At these ages, it is likely that the woman is already focused on her career while the man is either still in school and possibly even unsure of his future plans. For this reason, the couple may not have enough in common to make the relationship work.

Although the intentions of your partner are important in any relationship, they are extremely important in a situation where an older woman is dating a younger man. Women, in particular are likely to be flattered by the attention of a younger man and make themselves susceptible to potential scams by unscrupulous partners. As women grow older and begin to feel as though they are losing their appeal, they may put themselves at the risk of being duped by a younger man. A woman’s nurturing instinct puts her further at risk for this type of scam because she is likely to pity a younger man who seems to be struggling to get his career or business started. One common scenario is for a younger man to enter into a relationship with an older woman and convince her to lend him money for education, his career or some other reason and then leave her. Although, this is not always the case, it is important for an older woman in a relationship with a younger man to be aware of this possibility.

It is inevitable that family will have opinions about your relationships but they are especially likely to be opinionated when there is a significant age gap between the partners. While their concerns are natural, it is important to not let them influence your decision if you have already carefully weighed the situation and feel confident that you have made the correct decision. When your family members become vocal about your relationship, it is important to listen to their opinions objectively but to trust your own judgment. They may point out something that you haven’t considered and if this happens you should do your own analysis on the situation instead of allowing them to influence your opinion.

Women who are involved in relationships with younger men face a unique set of challenges. Since it is a relatively new idea for older women to be involved with younger men, there is not a long-standing tradition regarding these relationships. Women in these types of relationships need to be cautious of their partner’s intentions and leery of his maturity levels while trying to maintain true to their own feelings.