It is difficult yet necessary for the partners in a relationship to have their own space and interests outside of the family and the relationship. This can prevent burnout and ensure the fulfillment of both partners as well as providing a better foundation of happiness for their entire unit.
Often between work, family life, care of the partnership, and extended family obligations, one or both parents discover that they have lost touch with the things that they love to do. They start to miss the activity that gives them joy and satisfaction, that thing that they did, before the responsibility of family life interrupted, before the children came along. They start to burn out in their roles as parents and as partners and resent the other partner, particularly if they are somehow finding time to do their own thing. For these reasons it is very important that moms and dads strive to maintain a certain sense of self within their roles as family caretakers and partners. If you have slipped away from doing those things that gave you joy before the children came, there are ways to find your way back to doing the things you love.
Carving out time for each person to do their own thing can be challenging. You have to make it a priority. Not only should a partner work to ensure that they, themselves, get their own time, each partner should make it a priority to ensure that the other is covered for childcare as well. Pitch hitting for each other with the children is usually the easiest way to ensure each partner gets to do their own activity. If your activity happens to be in the house, even then the other parent should be entertaining and caring for the children so that you are uninterrupted.
If there is a scheduling clash and Dad’s golf game is on the same day as mom’s day at the spa both partners should be active in searching out the childcare solution they seek. If childcare is unavailable the ability to compromise will prevent resentment. If dad plays every Saturday and mom’s spa day is a once in a year occasion, mom has dibs on the time. The next time a clash occurs, mom might have to put aside her activity. Compromise is key.
Having friends outside the family and cultivating social relationships can also be important to the overall emotional health of a family. The expectation that your partner should be all things to you and responsible to fulfill all roles in your life is a great burden to place upon another’s shoulders and often too much for any partner to bear.
Surrounding yourself with friends outside of your immediate family gives support of a different type than what your partner can provide and can lift some of that responsibility. Partners can be the number one support of each other but it’s important that other friendships be maintained as well, for those times when the partner is absent, ill or simply unavailable. A well rounded social group consisting of other moms or dads, people who share an interest with you that your partner doesn’t, and friends who just make you laugh or bring you soup when you are sick can be invaluable to the marriage and the entire family. And they often make great babysitters!
While your children are very little you may find that you do have to let things go for a while to focus on very dependant children. It’s ok to set your interests aside for a short period to focus on the children and to create your family dynamic and focus on how you want your family to look. But as your children grow and are able to be cared for by others, as they comprehend their parents as people, they will need to see you being the authentic person you are. They need to know that parenting, while fulfilling and important to you, isn’t all you are and all you do. They need you to model the balance between family, partnership and self so that they can learn how to be good family caretakers themselves.
There are partnerships where both of the individuals have a common activity or pursuit that they continue to do together to some degree after the children arrive but this is rare. Most couples have individual interests that differ from that of their partner’s. It’s important to understand and to make the connection that a fulfilled individual will make a better partner and parent to those that depend upon them.
Keeping your own space, carving your own place in the world and fulfilling the desire to do those things that are outside of your obligations to your family, will ensure that you are a vital, vibrant member of your community and your family. Doing the same for your partner will make it doubly so. It will bring fulfillment to you as an individual and a joyful and fulfilled parent is a gift to a family.
Loss of Identity – What is It?
When you meet someone special, it's natural to want to please that person. But while compromise is necessary to a successful relationship, you should never feel like you have to give up your individuality. This will only lead to resentment down the road.
Many people fear the idea of being alone or losing someone they care about so much that they're willing to do anything they can to hang on to a relationship, even if the relationship is weak and it means losing themselves in the process. To them, any type of relationship is better than none.
Loss of identity usually starts slowly. You may act differently when you're with your partner or hide pieces of your personality you're not sure they'll like. Maybe you start to dress differently, stop watching certain TV shows, or alter your speech pattern. As time goes on, who you are is cast aside in favor of the person you think they want you to be. As you worry that they love the person you've become, not the person you are, you may start to resent your partner and the relationship you initially worked so hard to keep.
When Your Partner Wants a Change
If your partner asks you to change or act differently, don't be afraid to ask them why they want you to change. Will the change better your relationship? More importantly, do you want to make a change? Learning something new that is important to your partner, like trying a new sport or different types of food, is important. Just make sure you are also introducing your partner to things that you like to do and places you like to go. You won't lose sight of who you are by making small concessions here and there, like putting the toilet seat down or switching from Coke to Pepsi, but you should be on the lookout for requests that have you acting differently or have your friends and people you trust telling you that "you've changed" and it isn't for the best.
The Value of Maintaining Individual Interests/Hobbies
Being in a good relationship does not mean that you "complete" each other. You don't need to love to do the same activities or agree on the perfect vacation spot. You need to respect that there are things you love to do together and that you each have your own interests, too. Things bring something to the relationship that you can discuss and appreciate about your partner.
Conclusion
You should never lose who you are in a relationship. In fact, a healthy partnership should add to your identity, bringing out sides of your personality that you never knew you had, and introduce you to things you never knew you would like.
Be yourself. Expect your partner to love you for who you are and be prepared to love them back.
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